Saturday, June 11, 2011

Anything But Ordinary

The waves of reminiscing began to hit me early in the day this morning, when I went on a walk in the neighborhood. Listening to my ipod filled with an eclectic array of music, a Kenny Loggins song came on, one from a cd of lullabies I'd bought when my girls were little. The song "The Last Unicorn" began to play and I was immediately transported back to the days when the House at Pooh Corner songs were often heard in my home and my babies and I would waltz cheek to cheek. One phrase from the song, "I'm alive", suddenly made me turn my eyes to the sky and I spotted this little tiny bird on the electrical wires above my head. That suddenly made another memory return, the spring of 2009 when I was being tested repeatedly for breast cancer.

There is nothing like a serious concern you have breast cancer to bring your life into complete focus. After a few tests it was confirmed that I did NOT have cancer, but by that time I had already sorted through years worth of reflections. I took stock of my relationships and my dreams and goals. I thought through all the possible scenarios. Was I going to lose a breast? Two? Was I going to lose my hair? How about my life? My years with my children? My husband? I'd begun bargaining with God. I felt a little guilt doing that for I knew that I had a good life. So many lose their lives before reaching my age. I'd been healthy for over 40 years. I knew I should not be pushing my luck...

When I'd first heard the news of my doctor's concern, I'd gone walking. That day a song on my ipod came on and it became my song of empowerment that spring. "Is it enough? Is it enough to die? Somebody save my life. I'd rather be anything but ordinary please" Avril Lavigne, like Kenny Loggins, is not my usual music of choice but I do like a variety of songs and what can I say? That song made me strong. It filled me with stubborn willpower and I was determined that if I did indeed have cancer, regardless of whether or not God made a deal with me, I was not leaving this world without a fight.

After a year of more frequent examinations, I went back into the pattern of being tested at the regular schedule. However, even though I have always been a girl who thinks too much, the cancer scare made me even more aware of events, people, moments in my life. This morning, looking up at the sky and hearing "I'm alive. I'm alive", seeing a small bird perched on the wires, and feeling the cool morning air entering my lungs, I suddenly became very aware again of how precious life is and how lucky I am to have another day to walk, another day to return home to my three children, another day to watch my new puppy scampering with joy across the lawn, another day to hold my husband as we fall asleep in one another's arms...another day to feel anything but ordinary.

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

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