Monday, August 22, 2011

Forgive Me this Breakdown

I usually pride myself in being a strong woman. I am surely sensitive and emotional yes, and I’m reflective and ponder my insecurities and my life choices, but I usually feel confident that I’ll successfully work through a problem or a situation. This time, however. I just don’t know. There’s something going on that I can’t talk about. I don’t feel that I’m allowed to, or maybe it’s a wall of my own making. I don’t know. I hate secrets, they crush hearts and souls, but I feel the need to keep this one, at least for a little while. Friends, lest this mysterious opening cause you alarm, let me say that there is no need to call on me. I am not dying, well at least not any more quickly than the rest of you, and Eric and my kids are good too. Still...I need help.

I don’t have time on my side. I cannot continue to be in denial or to shrug and suggest that things will get better if I am patient. I need to move NOW, I need to make more of an effort now, but I’m paralyzed. I often believe I am trying, but I don’t think I am doing anything right. I have read research and the advice it offers seems to downplay the reality of what I am going through. I picture following through with the suggestions the experts offer and I just cry. None of this research is helping. None of it.

Then I stop and think, perhaps I cause more pain than I alleviate by crying myself to sleep? As if on cue, I came across this quote today: You can make use of your mistakes, failures, losses, and sufferings. It is not what happens to you so much as what use you make of it. Take your sufferings, difficulties, and hardships and make use of them to help some unfortunate soul who is faced with the same troubles. Then something good will come out of your suffering and the world will be a better place because of it. - H. Den

The quote got me thinking and questioning. Am I wallowing? Or am I trying to figure out how to fix this? I do know that I think too much. I've always been that way. Maybe I need to get out of my own head and push myself to help someone else who may be going through this same problem. That sounds like the right thing to do, anyhow. But then my head drops to the pillow again. And I take a second to throw an internal tantrum and think to myself, “NO! I AM THE ONE WHO NEEDS SOME HELP! ME! ME! ME!” Okay, I am certainly not proud of that childishness, but it’s there to be acknowledged. I do want to be held and to be told that everything is going to be okay, that I am a good person and that my efforts, and all that I am and have done in these 43 years, are either applauded or forgiven.

So today I made a decision to ask for help. I reached out to three people who I admire and love very much and who may be able to understand what I’m going through. I sent them a note. My fingers were trembling but I composed a letter, a little plea for some guidance, and I hit send. God help me. I don’t know what else to do right now.

Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe I’m not in the right condition now to help that “unfortunate soul who is faced with the same troubles”. So I thought I’d start small by offering up this simple reminder. It’ll have to do for now. Life can be awfully tough sometimes. Be a little kinder to those who cross your path today.

Forgive me for this breakdown, but I needed to get this out of my head and out of my heart today. I needed to take a deep breath and take in an ounce of that kindness I could offer to myself. I promise to emerge stronger and ready to help those around me when I catch my breath.

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