Saturday, December 17, 2011

Over A Barrel

For Wednesday, December 14, 2011

As weeks go, this one hadn’t been a good one, or so I thought. I dreaded the week’s meetings as it began but gave myself a pep talk telling myself to be calm and to go with the flow. I now realize that when I set myself up like that, the universe sees it as a challenge to rise against me. And if I thought Monday’s meetings had been rough, today surely had me over a barrel.

I talked with a friend this afternoon and told him that I have long been too much of a thinker. I over-analyze situations and my interaction with others. I strive to “act appropriately” but in doing that, I put undue stress on myself to filter my words or to at least chastise myself when I think I have said too much. My friend told me that I don’t need a filter, for my words and my approach in conversations are usually spot on, however I may be overly aware of how others are affected by my words and anticipate their reactions, or else I care a little too much for how they will handle my words. It’s not my responsibility to do that, at least not constantly.

Today I confronted a few people on some important matters. I did not hold back, although I did choose some words carefully so as not to burn bridges or make the situation worse. That’s simple wisdom. It felt good not to hold it in or to stuff my feelings. When I was asked to “take a walk” to continue a conversation in a more private setting, it became my time to do the challenging, my time to demand appropriate answers. Yet, as passionate as my words were, I remained in control.

I rode home at the end of the day and knew I had been right to tell myself to be calm and to go with the flow at the start of the week, despite the rocky weather that had come to be over the last few days. But at the end of the day today it became clear to me that when I am held over a barrel, that’s when my courage chooses to surface.

As weeks go, this may not be one I call a favorite, but maybe it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. Speaking the truth and saying what needs to be said is tough, but it's hard to live life with integrity if one hides in a corner.

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