Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Point of Impasse

For Monday, November 14, 2011

Last week I was feeling defeated over a particular situation in my life. I have been trying so hard to fix what may not be able to be fixed. I’ve grown exhausted having beaten myself up over what I can not accomplish so last week I gave up. Well, I did not exactly give up; that’s not exactly easy for me to do, being as stubborn as I am, but let’s just say I “let go”. And when I did, a wave of relief came over me. I felt myself unburdened by the chains that were binding me and I felt free. In that moment, I knew what to do. I wrote a letter to a friend. I wasn’t sure I was finding the right words but I wrote from the heart. But before hitting “send” on the email, I found myself reading over what I’d written, hitting “delete”, and writing again. I chose my words carefully. It was important for me to be honest but I also had to be sensitive to the letter’s recipient. I did this writing and rewriting of my email message for over an hour, but then the letter did make its way through cyber space. In minutes came a reply. The conversation continued, back and forth, for the rest of the evening. And when I finally closed the lid on my lap top, I realized it had happened again. Every once in awhile, when I think I’ve reached an impasse, I remember the importance of the expression that has always served me well, “Let go. Let God”.

I’ve written on this theme before. I recognize the fact that it is difficult to admit to needing help when I pride myself in being independent and self-sufficient. I like to think that I am capable of doing what needs to be done in almost any situation that I find myself in. But we all know that is not realistic, and it’s rather arrogant of me to think that I can always find the solution to problems on my own.

I need to remember to have faith when things look bleak. I need to stop worrying over the worst case scenario and turn to the power of prayer. I am not expected to have all the answers, to do all the right things, to find every necessary word that needs to be spoken. Sometimes there are no right words. And when I insist on trying and reach only sadness and frustration, I need to find solace where I know it will always be for me, with God.

Life is tough. There are many joys and many wondrous blessings but this world is not perfect. There will be tears and there will be sadness. There will be turmoil and there will be pain. There will also be regret. There’s no escaping all that. But there is also forgiveness, especially of one’s self. And when we admit to needing it, that’s when we find ourselves being lifted.

I’ll be here again, at this point of impasse. No doubt, I’ll forget what I’ve said here and I’ll go back to my stubborn ways of trying to bully my way through impossible situations all by myself. But I am going to try very hard not to be afraid when I screw up. I am going to try to remember that nothing is impossible with God.

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