Thursday, July 7, 2011

Summer's Breeze

This morning I woke up and had a good start to my day. There was just a small glimmer of sunshine coming in the window and I could see the leaves at the tops of the trees swaying in the breeze. I smiled to myself as I was reminded of how I'd redecorated this bedroom of mine a year or so ago, in the heat of July. It was a project that had been on my summer to-do list. How beautiful and serene it is. I took in a deep breath and seeing my husband awake, I launched in to tell him of the dream I'd just had.

I have the most vivid dreams. They are usually very strange, comical even, but often tinged in worry. This dream had layers of thoughts and worries mixed within. I recognized that as did Eric. My husband and I laughed at the silliness of the dream, one involving a box of used toothbrushes being packaged up and presented as a gift..okay?!, and then I looked into Eric's beautiful blue eyes and I let the tears fall. I am so grateful for him. As cliche as it may sound, he's my rock. He smiled at me then held me close, knowing that tears are what help me de-stress.

We talked about a variety of things, but at one point he reminded me not to put such high expectations on my summer. He is right. I found myself trying so hard to keep the plates spinning this year, to keep everyone happy and safe, to do "the right thing" no matter what the situation. I did this as I tried to deal with my own grief for not only my furry Charlie and all she represented, but for another loved one who is still very much in my life, but who is not the same person as before. All the while, my work continued, my bills and housekeeping needed attention, my waistline reminded me I was not eating right nor was I exercising. But through it all, I kept thinking, "I'll just wait until summer. I'll fix this in the summer. I just need to get to SUMMER!" The only problem with having said all that is that I placed too much expectation, too much pressure on my poor little short summer.

So, starting today I am telling myself each morning to "lighten up" with all that worrying. Tomorrow I am going to the ocean with whoever wants or is able to come with me, but I am leaving the house early and I am getting back whenever. I love the ocean. Today I am going to see where the breeze takes me. As my husband left for his summer job this morning he yelled upstairs to me, "Have a good day. Remember to do whatever it is YOU want to do today, okay?!"

I will. And tonight I am going to crawl into the sheets of my bed and cuddle up to that sweet husband of mine to give him a kiss, a kiss that only a woman who is living in the moment can give.

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