Monday, October 17, 2011
Because I Need to Say It
Oh how I miss you. God I wish you knew...somehow.
I wonder where you are. Despite how much I think, despite how much I worry, I never imagined this would happen. There is so much that I want to say to you but you left me and gave me no warning. Or did you? I remember how the “I love you”s on the phone seemed to increase. You ended every phone call with those three words as if they were to be the last words I was going to ever hear from you. I know I expressed my love for you in return, each and every time we spoke. I never held back, but I did not catch on that you were going to disappear. I knew things were not the same but I did not realize how quickly you’d go. I wish I’d had the chance to say goodbye before everything changed. I wish you had spoken to me and explained what was happening. But maybe you didn’t see it coming. Maybe you fought against the changes, were in denial of them, pushed them away until they took hold of you and forced you away...
It hurts. It pains me so much to know I cannot talk to you about this. I need you yet I’m trying to pretend that I don’t. I used to be a good actress or so I was told, but it seems I cannot play pretend anymore. Some say I can and that I should, but it is so hard to accept this. What they don't understand is that I never was anything but honest with you. That's why it is so hard to be an actress now.
I know that the sun has gone down and although I search in earnest, I can’t find you. I pray for another chance. I keep trying. In the meantime, I dream of you and in those dreams we talk this all out, just like we used to talk. But then I awake and I am without you again. I wonder if you ever dream of me?
This is a day of weakness. But I want the best for you. So be well. Be happy...wherever you are.
Until you find your way back to me or until I find a way to meet you where you are...
Please know how much I will forever love you.