Monday, January 23, 2012

Seeds of Doubt

“The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt”. --Sylvia Plath

After blogging nearly every day for an entire year, I began slowing down the pace of my writing after the New Year. Maybe I was sabotaging myself, making sure that I would not push to blog for another 365 days, making sure I did not commit to a goal I wasn’t even sure was my own. But then it happened. I stopped writing for nearly 10 days straight. I did not abandon my blog intentionally, but it wasn’t quite accidental either. I let the end of one semester and its correcting load overpower me at first and then, those despicable seeds of doubt and insecurity began to grow again.

I have doubted my writing, but I have also doubted other parts of what I have done, what I do, who I have been, and who I am. I let negativity seep into my core.

Years ago in my Drama class, and nowadays in my Creative Writing class I warn against the Inner Critic, that voice inside each individual that holds one back from trusting and believing one’s abilities. I know the importance of silencing that voice, but recently I have let the voice of my Inner Critic roar. I easily justify the choices I have made but today I have to put an end to my writing hiatus. I’ve already abandoned some of my passions, having made several excuses. But my time off from writing has made me lose a part of myself that I need on a daily grip on my reality.

If that sounds a bit dramatic, so be it. Of course my life is REAL, whether or not I am blogging from day to day, but given the quick pace of life lately, my blog posts have helped me record my appreciation, my perceptions, my adoration of daily life. Stopping has blurred my appreciation of the good. I’ve let the negatives--situations and people--shake me to the core, shake my confidence, my determination to continue learning. I’ve wanted to give up, to give in, to stop trying, to stop growing.

But here I am tonight. I’m tired and I’m doubting myself. I am doubting my writing. Yet, I am writing and having given myself clear instructions to post something before bed, I am going to post for the first time in a week and a half. And then, I am going to do it again tomorrow.

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