Monday, June 9, 2014

This Week is Hard

Okay. I need to admit this. I need to admit this to myself. 
So here I go. 

This week is hard. 

It’s not like it hasn’t been difficult already. But then the calendars changed to June. And then I saw the date. And then it was exactly one week away. And then it was the work week...six...five days before.

I told Eric I didn’t want to make a big deal of this. I told him I knew of its significance but that I didn’t want to feel pulled down by it. Because it is getting a little milder. I have grown stronger. I’m blessed. I’m still happy. I’m honoring it all by living well. I’m wiser now. Kinder. Better. 

But...This week is hard. 

I’m correcting senior finals. Just as I was doing at this time last year. I’m setting up for the final days of classes with my underclassmen. Just as I was doing last year. I’m thinking about packing away the items that will come home with me for the summer. I’m thinking of when I can start sorting papers and reorganizing my teaching binders. I’m thinking about those first few days of summer. 

Here it is. The undeniable wave. I try to push it away. I’ve got work to do. I don’t want to wallow. I’ve got to paddle my way through this. 

No. Don’t swim against it. Let it carry you. You’ll be okay. Don’t fight it. Let it wash over you and it’ll dissipate. 

This week is hard. 

Last year. Scenes upon scenes to memorize. Head swimming. Grades due. Get in the shower. Wait. The phone is for me. Hello? .........Okay.......Okay.....Click. Get dressed. Go to rehearsal. Texting John. There’s nothing I can do right now. Wait. Pray. Tell Eric

“Where are you going?!! Eric stammers at me .........You’re NOT going ANYWHERE”

Yes, I am. Going to rehearsal. There’s nothing I can do right now. I’ve got to go. Call Janet..... “Janet?....I’m coming. I think”. 

10 mile drive...somehow. Through the doors. Lew’s embrace. Warm, kind man. Hold it together. Pray. Focus on the lines. Dance. Sing. 

What was I doing? Did he see me? Did he smile? Was he proud? Yeah. I think so. 

Phone is ringing. “Hello?.....he didn’t make it....Okay...Okay...Okay”. Sit down. Sit down. Get your head around this. Pray. Pray.......PRAY. Where’s Emma?......... “Emma?!”

This week is hard. 

It's five days away from Saturday morning... June 15th, 2013. The day we lost you. And this year June 15th is on Father's Day. Of course it is. Of course. 

This week is hard. But it’s okay. It doesn’t have to be any other way. I don’t think it should be any other way. 

Deep breath. Itchy watery eyes. A solitary tear. Gratitude. Warmth. Finally...a smile. 
I’m okay. I’m okay. It's all going to be okay. 

I love you, Dad. 

No comments:

Post a Comment