Monday, September 3, 2012

He's Got This

I’ve started this blog post today several times. I write a sentence or two, or even a paragraph...and then I hit hit delete. I try to hold in the truth of what I want to say, what needs to get out. I try again to focus my eyes on the page. I take deep breaths, look outside, try to offer my worries up to God, work to gain perspective. I make a short mental list of what I’ll do today, this morning, this next half hour. I give myself a pep talk, I give myself permission to do whatever comes my way, to give up plans, expectations, must-dos. I have a head cold. I tell myself this is why I am so shaky, so uncertain, so tired, so weak. I try to see the beauty of the world, to trust in the process of this thing called life, to remember through prayer and the support we receive from friends and family, there is relief from pain and suffering.

But then I feel a tear fall from my eye. There it is. It fell right there on my cheek despite how much I was demanding it not to. Betrayed by my body. Again. Or maybe it was God who pushed it out of my eye. “You’re not in charge here”, He says. “I’ve got this. Remember?”

So let me just say it. We are losing our Moms. Me. Eric. And the other day my friend Veronica lost hers. And I’m so sad about these losses. So freakin’ pissed, in fact. So unbelievably overwhelmed by it all. It hurts and it sucks. Today I don’t want to be mature about this. I don’t care whether or not I am supposed to be strong. I don’t want to be understanding and patient. I just want our Moms back, our completely healthy, happy, loving Moms.

Maybe there’s more for me to say. I should talk of how lucky we have been to have had our Moms for the number of years we did. I should put this all in perspective and accept that none of us will get out of this world alive. I should speak of how through these losses we are learning some of life’s greatest lessons. I know all this and those insights and beautifully packaged emotions will no doubt come from me in all sincerity at a later date. But today, I am going to let myself fall apart for a little while. Let the tears fall and remind myself that I am not in charge here. None of this was my decision or my fault. I’ll trust that God has my back and that He’s got this. He’ll even understand my anger and my frustration at Him. He knows I’ll pull it all together by the time my children come home. Because at the end of the day I know what’s true. We are losing our Moms. But my three children will NOT lose theirs any time soon, right God?! No, not if I have anything to say about it.

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