Working Through It

In all honesty, this first sentence was written as I neared the end of tonight's post. I found myself needing to apologize for what I am writing about tonight. I find myself contemplating whether to hit the "delete button". If you're reading this now, I've obviously not done that. I hope this choice to "publish" isn't a mistake...

I have been pretty disgusted with myself lately. To be this sad or angry and despondent doesn't bring much value to others so I have been trying incredibly hard to shake this dark cloud over my head. More sleep. Let the tears fall. Ask for help. Talk to a friend. Put on a happy face. Wear yellow. I'm an actress after all, right? I should be able to feign a good mood and then have it become real for me. I think of all the blessings I have, of how fortunate I am and I feel guilt for being down. I see my husband's face and I hear him sigh and I know that this funk of mine has lasted too long. My children give me more hugs than usual and I know my disposition is affecting them too. Shame on me! Knock it off! Enough is enough! But it lingers...still.

I try to pinpoint what it is exactly that has me this way. Is it grief for those I've lost this past year or for people or relationships I can never get back? Is it work related? Should I even BE in this profession? Am I good at what I do or am I a fraud? Is it the changes in my aging body that I haven't accepted? Is it the turmoil of taking on too much? Am I bored? Am I overwhelmed? Is it the weather? Are my expectations for myself or others set too high? Should I keep trucking on thinking "this too shall pass" or do I make big changes? Oh God. Am I hormonal? Is this what they call a midlife crisis?! Wait?! Does that mean I'm OLD enough to HAVE a midlife crisis?!

I pride myself in being a strong woman, a positive role model, and someone with wisdom to heal herself. So in trying to be wise about this, I am angered by my cynicism, apathy, and temptation to crumble. I have no will power. I give myself pep talks that are forgotten minutes later. I grow more resentful and bitter. And then I begin to lose hope. I lose my sense of humor even. Damn it. I must be SUCH fun to be around...NOT.

To lose my confidence and the faith I have in myself is the scariest feeling. To become that vulnerable and weak is perhaps my greatest fear realized. Giving up, giving in can't be an option. I think of all that I have to lose and I grab hold of whatever thread I find above me and I think to myself, "Hang in there Anne. It'll get better. It has to".

So realizing that some things are better left unsaid, here I am wondering whether to delete this or publish it. Well, if I am nothing else, I am honest. I am honest about who I am and who I am not. I am honest with my emotions and I have courage to let people see the real me. Is that wise to do? I'm not altogether sure. Some people, despite thinking otherwise, really don't have a clue about me but in all honesty, if that's the case, or if they do see me for who I am and they turn away, that's okay. I get it. I may not want their company either to be honest. The real me is strong yet sensitive, patient yet demanding (especially of self), confident at times and then incredibly insecure and needy. I look in the mirror some days and like what I see; other times I cannot stop listing my faults. Some days I am incredibly lonely. Other days the love and support of my friends overwhelms me. And I then realize, the friends I have are there for a reason. I'm there for them. I'm a damn good friend in return.

I think the trick to feeling better is to realize that I AM in need of a good friend. I need to be my OWN best friend and give myself the time and the patience to find my way out of this. I won't let myself down. It may take a little time and a little more searching, but I'll be okay. I'll be MORE than okay.